working through jealousy
The more I commit myself to love in all the ways, the more aware I become of my own blocks to love. The more aware I become of these blocks and wounds — and the forces, systems, and tired histories that feed them — the more inspired I become to reclaim my agency and capacity to love.
As bell hooks says in All About Love: New Visions, “Contrary to what we may have been taught to think, unnecessary and unchosen suffering wounds us but need not scar us for life. It does mark us. What we allow the mark of our suffering to become is in our own hands.”
I must confess: I have been carrying a certain kind of suffering around with much shame and embarrassment. While this something, rooted in fear and survival, may have served as protection once upon a time, it has materialized into a block that has kept me from the deeper connections, belonging, and intimacy that I desire.
That something is called: JEALOUSY.
Kwonyin, Korean-American emotional alchemist, teacher of yin, & catharsis guide
In sharing this with you, I’m noticing how my body cringes and tenses up. I’ve tried to disown my jealousy. I would venture to say that I’ve even demonized it (this might be my Philippine-Catholic upbringing showing up here). I am haunted by it, sometimes.
While arming myself with knowledge of this feeling has offered some relief, it has continued to persist. Intellectualizing it has only helped me to further distance myself from it. After all, you cannot logic your way out of a deep-seated, threat-to-survival fear. To face this fear, to face myself really — my whole self, body included — would require a feat of imagination.
I felt doubly ashamed about asking for help or fully sharing my experience with others. I thought, maybe if I hid my jealousy, it would go away. Or, I should know how to handle this by myself. Remembering my own humanity, beyond the jealousy “demon,” I realized that much like the courageous, tender-hearted people who ask for my support, I too, deserved to receive support.
I reached out to none other than Kwonyin, who describes herself as “a Korean-American emotional alchemist, teacher of yin, & catharsis guide. She guides the psycho-spiritual journey of descent, or 'Dark night of the soul,' for reclaiming rage, shame, and crisis as doorways to ecstatic self-illumination.”
When I shared my experience of jealousy with her, she pointed out how such an isolating and icky feeling could actually speak to so many others. We talked about collective shadows.
Much of my own practice is about tending to and finding harmony within our inner landscapes, so when Kwonyin invited me to work through jealousy in live catharsis sessions with her, I could not say no — especially if it meant that others could find some release, validation, and healing, too.
