feeling your feelings
It's mango season in South Florida (photo by baby thompson)
I recently celebrated my 32nd birthday and the idea of “feeling my feelings” is just starting to click for me.
Certain events over the past few months have unearthed deep-seated feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and fear. I can trace these feelings to memories long ago, but who I am today feels more willing and able to sit with — rather than escape — them. While these feelings are uncomfortable and sometimes, downright painful, I’ve been in a practice of framing them as invitations to the present rather than rabbit holes to the past.
Currently, this looks like sitting with myself like I would with a loved one, and really listening to all that wants to be acknowledged. I claim and name my feelings — e.g. I am sad. I am angry. I am feeling rejected. I hear the stories associated with the feelings without identifying with or needing to accept them as facts — e.g. I am unlovable. My loved ones are going to leave me.
I shift away from the stories spinning in my mind, allowing myself to consciously experience and be curious about the sensations that come up in my body. I follow them deep into my core where the pain pulsates in my abdomen, weighs on my chest, tightens my throat. My impulse in these challenging moments is to resist, tensing my body up and bracing myself for the impact of a perceived threat.
But even that awareness is an invitation, an opening: I take deep, measured breaths and wrap my arms around myself. I caress my stomach. I welcome myself to cry for as long as I need to. I might rock myself a little bit, or shake off my arms and shoulders. When I feel more present with myself, my body, and my needs in the moment, I can more clearly hear my inner self speak:
What is it, love?
I am here, I am here.
I know I’ve abandoned you in the past.
I was afraid of you, of your pain.
I am here and I am not leaving.
You can talk to me. I will not judge or criticize you.
I will listen to and hold you.
I accept and respect all of your feelings,
As one reveres the ocean in all its forms,
I honor your deepest lows to your highest joys.
I am here and I love you.
The more I exercise “feeling my feelings” in this way, the more space and flexibility, safety and trust I can find within myself. The deeper I can exhale.
Make no mistake, cultivating the safety and trust to feel my feelings does not happen in a vacuum. My loved ones and chosen family also model emotional safety to me. My therapist shows me where I have room to grow. Sitting on solid earth and observing the bay near my apartment reminds me that I can stay grounded amidst the ever-shifting nature of my emotions. That is, how I care for myself is part of a relational endeavor, a web of care that looks different for each and every person.
Little by little, I am able to imagine and play with other emotional, energetic possibilities. Lately, when unsavory feelings arise and I notice my stomach drop, I take a moment to find a felt sense of quiet constancy in my core. While tuning into this inner strength, I’ve been imagining a soft, firm, translucent material that can absorb impact without the impact affecting the rest of me — like an agar agar jelly shield in my abdomen:
I affirm: I use my awareness as a portal to the present. I use my imagination as a map of my heart, guiding me home. All that I do and say are devotions to my desires.
A few updates
Booking and costs ~ My June and July books are open for virtual 1:1 hypnosis sessions and past life regressions. I recently switched booking platforms from Calendly to Acuity Scheduling. Now you can schedule sessions and process payments all in one place. I am still offering tiered rates, which you can directly access by using a code (see service descriptions when booking). If cost is a barrier to working with me, please get in touch with me over email or through a 1:1 consultation so we can find an arrangement that works for us both! I also welcome consultations for those who are curious about hypnosis, but have not yet worked with me.
Currently processing ~ I have devoted June to a beautiful course with ceremonialist Georgia Wall called Sacred Bridge focused on enacting ceremony to honor a specific life transition. Some of my peers are going through heartbreak and job loss or have moved to new places. I am taking this time to listen to a desire deep within me to facilitate more group experiences, a role from which I have tended to shy away. More soon.
Sound offerings ~ I met up with my friend and artist Fereshteh Toosi for Drone Day, an annual celebration of drone, community, and experimental sounds organized by artist Marie Claire. This year, Drone Day was on 5/27. Before we started playing, we held space for one another to discuss Florida’s recent anti-trans/lgbtq and anti-immigration laws. We further processed through a flurry of sounds, grounding in sustained notes, and processing without words, which resulted in an improvised set we're calling “Windswept Transmissions.” You can listen to it here.
With gratitude,
Kristen
PS — a reminder to exhale.
